Watching bridges burn
by Mistofstars
Summary: A missing scene after Castiel regaining his memory and saving Sam from his madness through shifting his insanity on himself. Dean and him in the Impala, trying to work things out between them. DESTIEL, spoilers for 6x22, 7x17 and 7x21


Author: Mistofstars

Pairing: Dean Winchester / Castiel

Author's note: The title is from lyrics of the song "Driftwood" by Travis. And nope, it's not "watching bitches burn" hahaha. My heart simply broke when I watched the last episodes of season 6, seeing how the relationship between Cas and Dean changed. Dean wanting Castiel to understand him and the other way around, Castiel breaking at the thought he's lost his friends and allies, although he wants to do the right thing. And then his talk in 7x17 about how he deserved to die and that it is all his fault... ta-da, and we're here.

Warnings: SPOILERS for 7x17, 7x21 and 6x22. Angst, unbeta-ed, dubious-consent, smut, a bit dark

Disclaimer: Neither Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Castiel or Lisa of Supernatural belong to me. Everything is made up, I do not make money with this.

Rating: M to be sure

Plot: A missing scene after Castiel regaining his memory and saving Sam from his madness through shifting his insanity on himself. Dean and him in the Impala, trying to work things out between them.

**Watching bridges burn**

_The next time Dean and Castiel meet, Castiel does not remember their get-together in the Impala the night he saved Sam. He does not remember what he had said to Dean, what Dean confessed to him, nor what they had done. Dean sees the way he looks at Meg, though, and he starts to understand what it must have been like for the angel to always see Dean with anyone else but him. He gives Meg an unfriendly look, jealousy taking over him. _

…

_[The night Castiel saved Sam]_

Castiel sat in the back of the Impala, staring out into the night. Everything was different. Everything had changed. The streets didn't look so innocent anymore, neither the few passersby. Castiel could detect their sins again, their thoughts, their doubts. He could smell and feel thousand things more intense than before – his body seemed to remember he was an angel, and so his eyes had a better sight, and all his senses were sharpened, painfully aware of everything around. If only he could go back to his lack of knowledge. If only he could pretend this day had never happened. Today he had regained his memory, he had remembered who he really was. What he had really done.

Now they sat in the parked Impala in the dark, speechless, full of thoughts and memories. Dean sat behind the wheel and looked at him through the driving mirror, time and again. Both of them didn't utter a word, Castiel was grateful for that. He absolutely did not want to voice the thoughts of his head – all of them were gloomy and spoke of guilt and loneliness. They had seen Sam, the state he was in. Castiel knew he was to blame for all of this. He knew he was the only one able to rescue him now – he needed to fix his brain, and therefore he had to bring his insanity upon himself. Not that he actually cared, though. He had caused enough damage, and now that he remembered, he was sure he didn't want to live with the all too vivid memories any longer. He just wanted a few more minutes with Dean, who was still unaware of the plan Castiel would carry out. He had told the man he just needed a short rest, then he would repair the damage he'd done to Sam.

Castiel inhaled the scent of the leather seats, mixed with Dean's usual aftershave. He studied the blonde short hair in his neck as he was sitting angular in front of him. Dean seemed to feel Castiel's blue eyes on him, because he looked up and again they exchanged glances. Dean apparently had enough of Castiel's weird behaviour, so he exhaled an exasperated sigh and closed his lids. Castiel observed him, how he tried to keep his composure, and he examined the fine lines of anger and despair on the man's face. A facial expression he knew only too well. He had looked like this when the fronts between him and Castiel had hardened. When he had become something Dean wanted to kill. When Castiel had become a godlike angel, who told the Winchesters to bow down before him or he would destroy them.

Dean got up and opened the driver's door. Castiel watched him open the door to the backseats and how he climbed inside next to him, giving him an expecting look, as if he waited for Castiel to explain everything to him. Castiel could feel his body warmth and his scent, not even a meter away from him, like a wisp of wind flying to him. He deeply inhaled Dean's wonderful scent, a painful sting crunching his heart. He looked away, away from those way too green eyes, those empathizing eyes. He didn't see the hand reaching for his, but he felt Dean's warm fingers entangling his, holding his cold hand gently. There was an encouraging squeeze and Castiel was glad Dean couldn't see his teary eyes as he refused to look at him.

"Cas, what's wrong?", Dean asked carefully, his low voice rasping through the silence in the Impala.

"Nothing", he sighed, letting his head drop a little. "I just thought how we have come to this. Things used to be quite different", he said, uncertain why he suddenly felt the urge to talk about this with Dean. He was not the angel Dean had known, and things between them were not the way they had been a good while ago. He remembered the time in which he had made Dean laugh, instead of making him angry, the times he had comforted him, instead of threatening him. When there had been such a joyful expression in Dean's eyes, such a tenderness in his gestures towards him... not the knife of his brother resting in Castiel's back, nonsensically trying to kill the mutated angel. His head started to swim, his heart ached painfully. Castiel let his head fall back on the seat back and he breathed deeply against the hurt in his stomach with closed lids. Dean's thumb stroked gently over the back of Castiel's hand, and he secretly wondered why the man was doing this.

"Yeah, tell me about it... Listen, I know you only meant it well back then, you thought you were doing the right thing. And I'm still sorry we had a brush with each other. But, listen man", Dean said, and he halted to let a surprised laugh escape his throat, "I've missed you. I've never wanted it to be this way... And we could fix this, you know? We could be a team again."

Now it was Castiel's turn to snort humourlessly, and he found the courage to open his eyes to look into Dean's. The older Winchester had come closer, was almost bend over Castiel's face, as he looked him deeply in the eyes, trying to connect with him again.

"Why would you want that, Dean? After all that I've done. After all the things that happened between us. Do you really think we could go back? I have nowhere to be, no place where I belong. It's better if I just cease to exist."

Castiel was surprised how upset he sounded, and he saw confusion taking over Dean's face, as he blinked a few times, trying to absorb Castiel's words. Castiel almost blushed when he felt Dean's hand holding his tighter, the heat and slight sweat of his fingertips covering his own skin. He could hear Dean's heartbeat, slow and steady, like a never-ending promising shelter he wanted to go to. Dean studied Castiel's face, and he bit his bottom lip thoughtfully when he saw the dismal expression in the angel's face.

"What do you mean, you don't belong anywhere?", Dean asked finally. Castiel closed his lids again. It didn't matter, he told himself. Soon he would become insane to save Sam, and nothing would be important any longer. He could tell Dean. It didn't change things in any case.

"I've rebelled against Heaven, Dean. I antagonized most angels when I fought against Raphael's side. At the same time I've lost your trust, and I've lost or killed all my allies. I have no more friends, no family, no home, no one to care about me. All I've got is the memory of what I did and of what I've lost. Would you want to live with that? Wouldn't it be easier and more peaceable to just go?... I wonder what it's like to be dead", he confessed calmly. He shuddered slightly when he felt a warm fingertip stroking his cheek lovingly, followed by a kiss upon it. He wrinkled his forehead and turned his head to look at Dean. The man had tears in his eyes and a sad smile graced his lips. His fingers kneaded Cas' hand nervously.

"I'm sorry, Cas. We should have trusted you back then. It wasn't fair, and you were right, you had earned our trust. And please, please don't ever say again what you just did. You _do_ belong somewhere, and there are people that care about you. _I_ _do_ for example, and I've never ceased to care about you. You _are_ loved, you _are_ needed."

Cas scoffed, then he gave Dean a long bitter look, trying to erase the tender smile the man was wearing on his lips. The debris inside Castiel trembled vehemently, there was so much ache strangling him that he found it difficult to breathe. Dean gave him this look, full of love and grief, and it was all too much. The angel thought he had buried this part of him, yet his heart bled with all the misery of the unrequited love he had felt for so long for Dean.

"You never loved me, Dean. And you don't need me.", he finally said, and he almost triumphed inwardly when the smile disappeared. He reclaimed his hand roughly and aimed for the door-handle, but then there was a warm hand on his shoulder, keeping him in place as he froze in his motions. The grip on his shoulder was intensified and Castiel was slowly turned around to detect Dean's embittered face. He couldn't make himself look away, and Dean was so close to him that he could inhale his breath, that he could feel his body warmth seeping through his own clothes. He caught Dean's eyes wandering from his down to his lips, his pupils seemed dilated, dark with arousal.

"I _do_, Cas. Please", he pleaded desperately, stirring an ecstatic fire in Cas he could hardly bear as it was consuming him, "Please, just stay." Castiel was trying to retort something, he was looking for offending, heartbreaking words, but he could find none. His head was emptied. All he could hear were Dean's heartbeats, jerky and rapidly, mingled with his own nervous breaths, due to his inability to calm this human form down. Then Dean's hot breathing came closer, and closer, and then there were his soft lips pressed against his, kissing him hesitantly. Castiel didn't reply to the kiss, though everything inside of him begged him to do so. Instead, he huffed angrily and incredulously, his hands finding Dean's chest to push him away.

Through half closed eyes he panted frantically, drowning in Dean's green dilated eyes, feasting on the sight of the hurt written all over the hunter's face. Dean's hands were suddenly on his face again, framing it hopelessly as he was trying to make the angel understand.

"You were with Lisa. And before that, you didn't, you never", Castiel stammered, trying to find all the sentences screaming at him, trying to get the words out to make Dean see what it looked like to him. Why now, he wondered. He just wanted to get out of this car, save Sam and be done with it. Be done with everything, even with Dean. Dean's hands wandered down to Castiel's chest, covered with the ridiculous blue cardigan his wife had made him wear. When Castiel closed his lids, unable to _not_ enjoy the feel of Dean's caressing hands upon him, he felt a gentle kiss on his forehead, and a warm wet mouth travelling down to his mouth. He wasn't capable of shoving Dean away, he simply couldn't.

"I loved her, and she was good for me. I needed her back then. But I've never felt for her what I feel for you. She could not replace you, no one can. I'm just so fucking thrilled that you're back, that you're alive", Dean muttered in a deep voice, making Castiel shudder as Dean placed little airy kisses on his mouth time and again. At last Castiel gave up, and when he opened his eyes a bit, he saw Dean's features right in front of his, so incredibly close it took his breath away. He bend forward and caught Dean's sinful lips with his, kissing him back urgently and passionately. Dean's hands drew him nearer, and soon their desperate kisses slowed down, becoming more erratic and sensual. Castiel's heart rejoiced, he was shot up with adrenaline, but there was so much fear reaching out for him, making him dizzy, he felt transfixed with the pain he had gone through.

Dean broke away and before Cas could comprehend what the man was doing, he climbed over and knelt down on the foot well, right between his legs. It was kind of clumsy and narrow, but Dean wasn't bothered by it. Castiel looked down at him, seeing the slight playful flicker in his green eyes darting over him. His warm hands stroked along Cas' thighs again and again. Castiel felt dumbfounded, having no clue what to do about the situation. Just a few hours ago he and Dean had been driving through the night, Dean telling him he could not forget what Cas had done, and now the hunter was gently uplifting his cardigan and shirt to place soft warm kisses on his naked skin. Absentmindedly Castiel let his fingers sift through Dean's blonde short hair, enjoying the feel of it under his fingertips. He moaned softly when he saw and felt Dean working his way down, leaving trails of wet kisses and dark lovebites on his abdomen.

Castiel couldn't help but relax and accept Dean's tender caresses. He leant back against the seats, feeling Dean's hands roaming over his bare torso restlessly, demandingly. His nails left little scratches on Castiel's skin, but the angel didn't mind. How long had he wanted this? Since when did Dean care about him the same way? It didn't matter, Castiel told himself. Soon he would be gone again, unaware, drowning in his lake of madness. He had deserved to die, and he still did. There wouldn't be this soul-eating guilt anymore, nor the remembrance of the pain he had felt at the loss of Dean.

"I was all alone, Dean. No one stood by me, though I just wanted to help", he heard himself utter quietly. He saw Dean opening his grey trousers slowly, shoving them down a bit to reveal his black underpants. Soft kisses just above the hem of his boxers made Cas arch his back, trying to get closer to the wicked tongue gliding over his skin. Dean pulled down his boxers as well and let his tongue wet Cas' erection, viciously moving from the hilt to the throbbing head. Castiel deeply inhaled a shuddering breath, his fingers slightly pulling at Dean's hair.

"I know, and I'm sorry", Dean breathed against Cas' hard warm cock, then he took him inside his tight hot mouth, making Castiel moan and sigh in pleasure. He let Dean have his way with him, as the man started to blow him slowly. Castiel was fascinated about the sensation of Dean's smooth tongue and throat enveloping him, it surely felt heavenly. And his lips sucking repeatedly and forcefully on his erection, dragging him deeper inside his mouth... The things his tongue did to his sensitive slit made Cas see black dots, and he heard himself moan tortured sounds of pleasure. Then he felt how Dean's mouth quickly left him to suck in his forefinger and middle finger, a wild emotion dwelling in his eyes as he beheld Cas.

"You're mine, Cas", he exhaled throatily, one hand thrusting his ass cheek aside, so that his saliva-coated fingers could make their way to his entrance. Castiel found his body wincing as Dean shoved his fingers slowly inside – it ached and it burnt unpleasantly, but there was something about the way his fingers felt within him, so rough, so completing and claiming...Soon Castiel felt Dean's mouth sucking on him again, his fingers simultaneously moving in him in small circles, and then the pain left and Castiel was feeling a weird sensation, like hot waves and a giddy tickling tingle piling up inside him. He heard himself become short of breath and his grip on Dean's skull intensified. Dean's hot breaths ghosted over his twitching erection when he let go of it for a second, darkly murmuring "You belong with me", thrusting his fingers deeper inside Castiel – possessively and harshly.

Castiel felt himself reaching his devastating climax as Dean's fingers fucked him, sliding in and out of him endlessly, and a black fog covered his sight. He writhed with a long lustful groan when Dean reached his spot, deafening moans coming out of the angel's mouth. His abdomen tightened and he spilled his cum in Dean's mouth in fitful squirts, clinging to his skull confused and disoriented.

When he came down from his high he found Dean had buried his face in Castiel's sweaty naked stomach, breathing against the wet skin time and again. Castiel couldn't help but stroke gently through Dean's hair as the man's fingers where still deep inside him, unready to leave yet. To touch Dean instead of being touched seemed far more intimate, like a confession Castiel hadn't been prepared for to make. Dean visibly relaxed against Castiel's lower body when he felt Castiel's stroking gentle fingertips combing through his short hair.

"I forgive you everything, Cas. I hope you can forgive me forsaking you, too, somehow. If not, please, just stay with me. I can be your family, your home, your everything... if you let me", Dean mumbled sleepily against his cooling off skin. A moved smile came to Castiel's lips, and there was a single tear running down his cheek unseen. He bend forward and kissed Dean's hair wordlessly, his arms coming around the frame of the lonely man kneeling in front of him. He kissed him goodbye, and thankfully Dean didn't recognize their end had come.

…

The next time Dean and Castiel meet in the hospital, Castiel does not remember their get-together in the Impala the night he saved Sam. He does not remember what he had said to Dean, what Dean confessed to him, nor what they had done. Dean sees the way he looks at Meg, though, and he starts to understand what it must have been like for the angel to always see Dean with anyone else but him. He gives Meg an unfriendly look, jealousy taking over him.

THE END

Soooo what do you think? Dean seemed slightly ooc to me but whatever haha...


End file.
